Here they are, the three worst gremlins in relationships:

  1. Dissimilar values 
  2. Dependency/need
  3. Obligation

Most of the problems that develop in established relationships can be understood and addressed in these terms.

1.Dissimilar values. This is the basis of the adage that “opposites attract” in relationships. On the positive side, it allows for one partner’s strength to support an area of the other partner’s weakness. If both understand and agree, it can work just fine. In fact, here is a really visible example of a partnership being synergistic, more than the sum of its parts.

On the other hand, when one partner feels discounted because of the other’s seeming lack of concern or understanding of what is valuable to him, it is a definite problem. When dissimilar values become widely divergent, resolution may not be easy because of the cost to one or both partners’ perception of their own values or identity. It becomes a good playground for dynamics that are popularly called codependency.

2.Dependency or need can be a little confusing because of the idea that “everyone wants to be needed”. Being needed can feel good. It offers some definite ego gratification, but it undermines the real value of a relationship, which is for both parties to realize themselves as more than they were without it. Sooner or later the relationship stops working, the feeling of being really valued falls apart, and the relationship feels threatening or suffocating to at least one of the partners.

3.Obligation is the cornerstone of American relationships, particularly marriage. The intention, of course, is to insure longevity for a relationship. With more than half of American marriages ending in divorce, clearly even that intention isn’t very successful.

More to the point, obligation almost always creates resentment which is, of course, destructive to a relationship. Most often in these contractual relationships, the contract is agreed to for the purpose of creating security or predictability in an emotional arena which is anything but predictable. And as things inevitably change, including attitudes, goals and desires, obligation can begin to foster resentment.

All three of these gremlins can interact with each other and create confusion about what is really going on. As they play themselves out, relationships lose quality because of

  • Change, a constant and unavoidable aspect of life.
  • Loss of freedom or a loss of options due to obligations to the relationship.
  • Loss of self or loss of identity to the requirements of the roles we agree to play as partner, spouse and/or parent. 
  • Loss of trust and rapport.

As intense and difficult as these and other issues in a relationship can be, settling them doesn't have to be difficult. Relationships are about growth and co-creating. Settling differences is most assuredly growth.
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